MetaKnigel If the Rule is Broken–Break It.

A Gentleman’s Modest Douchebag Guide

Written by: Knigel Holmes

Obsession with cleanliness leaves us fearful of nauseating those around us because we worry about getting so used to our own selves that we remain oblivious to our own foulness. Those around us, in turn, exacerbate this problem by not wanting to break etiquette and, instead, edge away while jettisoning polite excuses. The unfortunate lack of feedback leaves people wondering when they too will be unknowing offenders stewing in their own mess. As an outcome of this self-consciousness, and so many people seeking ways to cover up their inadequacies, douchebags gain popularity. Despite dangers, this guide describes several douchebag techniques. Remember, these methods are at best unnecessary while potentially causing serious harm.

Before going on, we will first need to learn about douchebags. While intending to combat unpleasantness, these invasive, difficult-to-puncture, rubbery nuisances are relatively clean on the outside, yet sullied internally; therefore, douchebags tend to aggravate, irritate, and inflame instead of calm the symptoms. Similarly, improper handling causes embarrassing messes. For this reason, keep douchebags away from polite company. Most people, after interacting with douchebags, want to wash and disinfect themselves thoroughly. Additionally, while douchebags may not be foolproof measures against pregnancy, they do significantly reduce the chances of procreation. Now that we understand the concept of a douchebag, we simply need to keep the previous details in mind as we proceed.

To begin, open your mouth as wide as you can while slowly inserting the “douchebag” into your oral cavity. By becoming proficient in misogynistic terms that contribute to the historic practice of using femaleness as an insult, we align ourselves with one of the oldest and most popular douchebag traditions. After familiarising ourselves with pejorative slang such as “douchebag,” “douche,” and “douchebaggery”—all of which drawing their negative connotations from orifice hygiene—attempt to justify douchebag behaviour against any perceived criticism. Do not worry; douchebags are going to douche, and discriminatory language is fine if done humorously. Disparaging language is even more justifiable if a best friend is a part of the affronted group. Follow justification with denial. If we get a whiff of something unsavoury, do not worry; it must be coming from someone else. There are, however, absolutely no examples of denial in this guide. If we do see any offensive language in any part of this text, we might as well learn defensiveness because we are obviously transferring our own insecurities and bigotry. If we still do not get it, use irony. Irony is not what our mothers do to get the wrinkles out of our clothes; it is an incongruous opinion, and this opinion is valid because everyone’s opinion is valid. Therefore, this opinion is right, and any disagreement is wrong.

Next, mix in some condescension. Yes, “condescension” is a big word. No, it has nothing to do with evaporation. This terribly complicated word means to look down on i.e., when the speaker assumes superiority. Understand? Be patient, it will click soon. Once we catch up and stop breathing from our mouths, we can ostentatiously introduce a smidgen of pretentiousness: a noun originating from the Latin “prætensus” and then the French “prétentieux”, meaning to make an extravagant show or claiming high distinction. Assuredly, homo sapiens such as ourselves are likely incapable of comprehending this linguistic usage; however, by the time we conclude this authoritative enchiridion, we will have become slightly more proficient. By now, we must be overwhelmed; therefore, this guide will do us a favour of slowing down while teaching patronisation. Luckily, this expertise can help us understand that patronising means making a show of kindness while being condescending. We likely did not know that there are actually two meanings of patronise, but if we did know this guide was not referring to customers patronising a restaurant, then good for us! Since we are doing so much better than expected, we ought to be ready to advance onto arrogance. Now, pay attention because this guide is the absolute authority. While condescension, pretentiousness, and patronisation may be more surreptitious, arrogance is much more overbearing and presumptuous. As we can plainly see, there has never been, nor will there ever be, a guide showing such a lack of hubris while providing so much useful information.

The next step is bullshit. At this stage, use direct insults and profanity. Any fool knows that the more emotional centres of the brain e.g., the limbic system, process profanity; therefore, profanity engages the more primitive, less rational cognitions. Moreover, insults often cause defensiveness in the reptilian part of the brain. Understand that the goal here is to instigate others to become douches as well. If we can invoke mass douchebag hysteria, we adroitly cover up our original foulness. This technique, drawing from the idea of inspiring a group of co-conspirators to conceal the original provocateur, is coined “No, I am Spardouchus.”

While direct insults and profanity are age-old douchebag techniques, the ad hominem should appeal to the more erudite readers. The argumentum ad hominem is more than a personal attack or use of sarcasm, but a fallacious attempt to discredit an argument by attacking the speaker while not addressing the actual argument. While we might have thought that this guide is insensitive, we only thought that because we are idiots.

Alternatively, for a fragrant douchebag mixture, combine abuse, sarcasm, and ignorance. For this concoction, start by calling someone an ignorant fool either directly or indirectly. Being an ignorant fool, you undeniably think this statement is an ad hominem. In fact, people with much more cognitive prowess have come to the same conclusion. Surely, it must be a boost to our egos being in such good, but equally incorrect company. Do not worry; it is not like we need to know what words mean before we use them. After all, only an ignorant fool would confuse sarcasm, abuse, and ad hominem. To spell things out while we wipe the spittle from our chins: calling someone an idiot is simply abuse, making ironic jibes is merely sarcasm, and informing someone of their ignorance after they misuse a Latin term is logically valid while also being the polite thing to do.

The final stage is essential: educate ourselves into being as incognizant as possible. We need enough self-awareness to understand vaguely that people are alienated, but not so much that we catch on that we are the ones being aggravating, irritating, and inflammatory. Keep pleasant outward appearances and hide the nastier insides, yet also remain rubbery and thick against rationality. To stay impervious, learn numerous logical and cognitive fallacy terms so that we can later avoid learning their definitions. We should do whatever we can to avoid knowing the meanings of vocabulary such as “The Dunning–Kruger effect,” “confirmation bias,” and “fundamental attribution error”. Stay away from knowing “in-group bias,” “false consensus effect,” or “belief in a just world.” Frustrated friends, family, and strangers will break social norms of tolerance and try to give us information; however, accept nothing—be stubborn. Ignore all contrary research or thoughts and, instead, continue to speak from our hearts. There is nothing truer than our unchecked emotions and gut feelings. After all, how dare anyone criticise us—we all have the fundamental right to our ignorant opinions.